Updated: Aug 20, 2021
Being a People Pleaser is like being a doormat. People walk all over you and expect you to be cheery while they do it.
People pleasing. To a certain degree, most of us have this quality and have used people pleasing tactics in our life. Sometimes we placate loved ones so as not to hurt their feelings. Others ingratiate themselves to their bosses in hopes of getting that raise. A few of us may have bent over backwards to impress a date.
Whatever the case may be, pleasing people tends to smooth things out, makes life a little easier. Besides, being pleased is pretty pleasing to be.
Except...for a great many of us out there, people pleasing isn't a one time strategy. It's your entire personality. It's a way of life. You eat, breathe, and **** making other people happy. But for some reason you always feel drained, left out, used, and ultimately unsatisfied.
So how do we get out of this habit of always putting others before ourselves?
This week Lisa Finck (A.C.C.), Brooke Adair Walters (M.C.P.C.), Jerome LeDuff Jr (M.C.L.C.), and Anthony Lopez (M.C.P.C). are joined by a very special guest, alumni & MCLC Carol Conklin of Soul Essentials Coaching. As it so happens, Carol specializes in transforming the mindsets of those who have been people pleasers their whole lives and even has a series of great videos on the subject.
In this Live we cover what are the signs of a people pleaser, we watch as Carol coaches the pleaser out of Jerome, and discuss the opposite of the people pleaser, the people puncher.
The Signs of a People Pleaser & How to Help
Unless you specialty, like Carol, is coaching people pleasers, then its not often that a client will come to you with that specific goal in mind.
Rather, the case is that a client will have a goal in mind but they are blocked by their people pleasing behaviours. A client may say...
"My goal is to spend less time working and more time focusing on my passion project, but I can't say no when my boss requests me for overtime, I don't want to disappoint them".
Now keep in mind, it's not our job to diagnose someone with a case of people pleasing, but by keeping the signs in mind, you may be able to assist them better and help them discover the emotional anchor of their goals.
Your Client May be a People Pleaser if they:
Have a hard time saying "no"
Avoid conflict at all costs
Take on too many responsibilities (blame included)
Are externally validated by others
Apologize A LOT
Always asks what others think and want
Doesn't ask for help
Feels taken advantage of
The reasons how they got this way in the first place will be varied but it's important for a coach to not dwell in the client's past too long. Instead of asking "why are you doing this" you can ask, "How does this serve you?"
The first step in helping a people pleaser is to identify where their priorities are and if their actions align with their goals. This step isn't unique to only them but when we explore the client's priorities it becomes easier for them to identify what doesn't align with their purpose.
The second step in helping a people pleaser is to start with the assumption that they always have a choice. Almost nothing we do is completely involuntary and we can always choose or not choose to please others. If they choose to, are they doing so deliberately? Do their deliberate choices serve their goal? If not, can the client identify the other possibilities?
The third step in helping a people pleaser is to have them set boundaries. "No" is an obvious boundary but time can be considered a boundary as well. In what amount of time will the goal be completed? How much time can be spent helping others? Can you give yourself time before you decide on a course of action?
The People Puncher
There is an exact opposite of a people pleaser whose behavior can be just a detrimental. The People Puncher.
As reformed pleasers, these types of people love saying "no", being difficult as possible with others, and being non-cooperative. We can admit that it feels so good to take control of your life and say "no" on your own terms, but there is a limit to how much others can take.
Part of living in this world is cooperation with others and balancing when to stand our ground and when to concede ground. In our LIVE, we explore the concept of tactical people pleasing, the ability to play nice with others when it's aligned with your goals. We are trying to break involuntary habits and ask ourselves
"How does this serve me?"
CLCI Has Been Nominated!
We want to let you all know that Certified Life Coach Institute is being nominated for the Champion of Women Award! This award is ceremony is hosted by the Connected Women of Influence and the 2021 National Women of Influence Awards,
The Champion of Women Award recognizes a company or organization that provides internal programs and initiatives that are unique, cutting edge and specifically designed to support the advancement and acceleration of women in the workplace.
We would like to invite all of you to support CLCI in our nomination and join us for the virtual award ceremony on November 4th from 11:30am - 1:30pm
To join in the celebration of Women’s Achievements and Accomplishments in Business and support CLCI, register for your virtual seat here.
Lisa Finck, Brooke Adair Walters, Jerome LeDuff Jr., Anthony Lopez, and to our wonderful guest Carol Conklin!
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